Love Games

I am tired of people that play games.  My heart is not a toy.  So right now, I'm going to be selfish and place my much coveted heart on the shelf.  It's mine and I'm not sharing.

You Lift Me Up (With Your Love)

You lift me up (with Your love)

I'm waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign that I'm where you want me to be
I know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You're reminding me

That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go
You lift me up when I can't see
Your heart's all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go

You lift me up (with Your love)

I know I'm not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same
And when I'm surrounded
When I lose my way
When I'm crying out and falling down
You are here

To lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go
You lift me up when I can't see
Your heart's all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go

I can see that dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken
With Your love
With Your love
I don't know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender
To Your love
To Your love

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go
You lift me up when I can't see
Your heart's all that I need
Your love carries me so I'm letting go

I can see that dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken
With Your love
With Your love

You lift me up (with Your love)

The Point

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I'm positive that every trial we face has a lesson to be learned.  And I know that every person who enters our life is there for a purpose.

Six months ago someone entered my life and changed me for the better.  However, it wasn't until two days ago that I realized why he was there. 

I had just left a dysfunctional, three and a half year relationship when he appeared.  I originally thought this man was just here to take my mind off my pain, to boost my confidence, to be my rebound, if you will.  But then he never left.  I started to develop real feelings for him and I enjoyed every second that we were together.  I wanted him to be mine.  However, he insisted that we would never be serious, never more than a fling.

Not only was I devastated by his response, but I was confused.  Why would God give me these feelings if they weren't going to be reciprocated? Why would He set me up to be hurt again, so soon after my last failed relationship?  I asked for an answer; I asked of God daily.  And daily He responded, "Be patient my child.  Be patient."

I took the Lord's answer to mean that in time, my new love would learn to love me as well.  So patient I was.  I went back to savoring every second we spent together, to getting lost in his touch.  I let myself fall. I let myself love. 

In time, I saw his feelings for me change.  He began to look at me sweeter, to speak to me softer, to touch me more tenderly.  I believed in my heart that he was beginning to love me.  I again wanted him to be mine and this time was sure he would be.  But much to my disappointment, he put me off again.  I held nothing against him, as he had been honest from the beginning.  But God, however, had told me to be patient.  And my patience seemed to have gotten me no where.  So I asked of my Lord again, "Why is this man here? What purpose does he serve in my life, besides breaking my heart?"  And once again, the Lord told me to be patient, to wait and see.

Again, I put my trust in God's plan, I let myself fall deeper in love with someone who swore never to love me back.  I got lost in his eyes. I hung on his every word. I was convinced that the Lord wouldn't lead me down a road of loss. 

Finally, I asked of this man one last time- not for his immediate love, but only for hope. Once again I was burned, turned away, shot down.  I was so confident that the Lord had a plan for us that I was in utter disbelief.  I hurt. I cried.  And then, after the last tear had fallen, I was angry.  Irate. 

I asked for the last time of the Lord, "What was the point?" 

And this time, the Lord asked a question of me.  "My child, what did you learn?"

After reflecting on this question for a few days, I realized that I was so focused on the outcome, on a goal, that I didn't notice the lessons I was learning on my journey.

First off, I strengthened my relationship with God.  I learned to listen to Him and to trust in His plans, regardless of how hopeless a situation seems. 

I learned that what I want is out there.  I no longer need to settle, to compromise, because someone exists who is exactly who I want, who I need, and who I am supposed to be with.

I learned that my small child still lives.  She used to run the show.  I used to love to play, to sing, to dance, and to have fun, but somehow, that part of me got lost, suffocated.  The 5 year old me has returned and is here to stay.

And my most important lesson was that even with all the pain and loss I felt six months ago, I was still able to love.  Maybe my love wasn’t reciprocated, but I learned, by being patient and letting my love grow, that despite all hurt and all trials, I will always be able to love. 

And that was the point.

Focus.

I can’t be in a relationship right now.  It’s time to focus on me.  I have so many aspects in my life to deal with right now.  I think the main reason I want to be in a relationship is so that I can focus my attention on someone else and continue to ignore my problems.  What problems does a 26-year-old happy-go-lucky girl have? Plenty.

1. I'm in debt.  And not the good kind.  It’s a small potatoes amount to many, but it’s more than I make in a month and I’d like it to go away.  It keeps me from doing what I really want to.
2. I’m over-weight.  This might sound like a vain complaint, but it’s really not healthy.  For my height I should weigh 110-126.  No one ever believes me, but I’m pushing 145.  Think I’m lying? Bring me a scale. 
3. I’m over-committed.  I volunteer on too many committees and for too many projects.  I need to focus on wrapping up a few of the projects, and then no longer biting off more than I can chew.  I don’t need the stress in my life right now.  I can’t please everyone.
4. I’m an alcoholic.  I don’t need a drink every day or even every week.  But when I do drink, I binge.  And it’s not healthy.  It’s not safe.  And to be honest, I’m terrified I wont be able to stop.
5. I’m late every day.  This isn’t life threatening, but it’s not ideal.  I’d like to be a timelier person, a more reliable person.
6. I procrastinate everything.  I haven’t filed my taxes for 2010.  I haven’t sent a demand letter to the girl who hit my car in March.  I haven’t  been to the dentist in 2 years.  There’s a lot of little details in my life that I’d like to get on top of.

Basically, I need to focus on me.  I can’t be in a relationship until I straighten myself out.  I need to stop trying to hide behind someone else.  I need to stop trying to ignore my problems.  I need to stop running away.  I need to step up and fix me.  Because it’s my turn to be pampered.  It’s my turn to be loved.  It’s my turn to be happy.  And the only person who can make that happen is me. 

Simple.

I have three new goals for 2011; three new goals for my life.  They are unlike any goals I’ve ever had before.  They are simple.  They are general.  And they are all I want in life.

1.       Downsize.  I have a lot of stuff.  A few months ago, I would have sworn to you that I needed it all – every last button.  But then I got kicked out of my four bedroom house.  I moved into a loft with no closet, no storage.  (And I’m grateful for every square foot).  The majority of my belongings ended up in a friend’s garage.  I don’t miss them.  It’s been two months now.  I don’t need any of it.  Not even that button.  Goodwill will be seeing a truckload from me.  And I will be lighter for it.

2.       Travel.  This has actually been a goal of mine forever, but I’ve always had a reason not to.  I was in school.  I was out of school and broke.  I had a new job with no time off.  I just moved.  This list goes on forever. And I always had someone in front of me telling me we’d go there “one day.” So I just sat tight and waited.  Now that person is gone.  I am free to do as I like.  And before I settle down and get serious again, it’s my time to travel.  Nationally.  Internationally.  It makes no difference to me.  I just want to see what else is out there.

3.       Love.  I have a lot of love to give.  I want to share it with my friends, with my family, and with myself.  For 3.5 years, all of my love went one place.  I gave it all away hoping for a little in return.  Now it’s time to share it with people who actually deserve it.  I deserve it.  I’m going to do what is best for me.  Because I love me.  I’m going to spend more time with my family.  Because I love my family.  And I’m going to have the time of my life with my friends. Because they’ve always been there for me.  I have love for God.  I have love for Gamma Phi Beta.  My goal this year is to share my love with the people that are important in my life, starting with myself.

These are my goals for 2011, for the year ahead.  I still have life long dreams of a family and a home.  I still want to run the Portland Marathon and wear a bib number in the Dipsea Race.  But right now I want to focus on today and what matters to me now.  I want a simple life. 

Downsize. Travel.  Love.

A Mess of a Dreamer with the Nerve to Adore You

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame...
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away.
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinkin' it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there lovin you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh, what a shame...
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away.
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinkin' it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey
But I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody
If I died, died for you

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Oh, every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Today I am Angry.

Today is day seven.  It is 7:24PM and I have yet to cry.  I’ve felt sadness, yes.  I’ve felt hurt and betrayal, of course.  But shed a tear for a man who never deserved me in the first place? No way.

Today I am angry.  It will seem backwards to most, but I’m more angry at her than I am at him.  She slowly, purposefully weaseled her way into a troubled relationship.  She hugged a man she barely knew in front of his girlfriend.  She entered into an inappropriate relationship with a man she knew was committed to someone else.  She asked repeatedly to meet me, to befriend me.  And then she made fun of me, laughed at me, played me a fool.  And after she had already taken what was mine, she had the nerve to come to my birthday party and act like we were friends.  These actions make her a disgusting person, and this is why I’m angry today.

I’m angry because he doesn’t deserve to be with someone like her.  She is a homewrecker.  A moral-less lost soul.  And he is a good man.  He’s a good man who made bad choices because he was overwhelmed and insecure.  He chose the easy way out.  He knew he wasn’t making me happy anymore.  He knew I was miserable with him, with our life.  And instead of working hard to change our circumstances, to communicate, to fix what he had broken, he chose to run into another woman’s arms.  He didn’t have to work to make her happy.  She was already satisfied taking what was mine.

So, today I am angry.