A Mess of a Dreamer with the Nerve to Adore You

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take, you take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame...
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away.
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinkin' it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there lovin you and wished them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you

Oh, what a shame...
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Just walk away.
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinkin' it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing honey
But I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody
If I died, died for you

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
Oh, every smile you fake is so condescending
Counting all the scars you made
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Today I am Angry.

Today is day seven.  It is 7:24PM and I have yet to cry.  I’ve felt sadness, yes.  I’ve felt hurt and betrayal, of course.  But shed a tear for a man who never deserved me in the first place? No way.

Today I am angry.  It will seem backwards to most, but I’m more angry at her than I am at him.  She slowly, purposefully weaseled her way into a troubled relationship.  She hugged a man she barely knew in front of his girlfriend.  She entered into an inappropriate relationship with a man she knew was committed to someone else.  She asked repeatedly to meet me, to befriend me.  And then she made fun of me, laughed at me, played me a fool.  And after she had already taken what was mine, she had the nerve to come to my birthday party and act like we were friends.  These actions make her a disgusting person, and this is why I’m angry today.

I’m angry because he doesn’t deserve to be with someone like her.  She is a homewrecker.  A moral-less lost soul.  And he is a good man.  He’s a good man who made bad choices because he was overwhelmed and insecure.  He chose the easy way out.  He knew he wasn’t making me happy anymore.  He knew I was miserable with him, with our life.  And instead of working hard to change our circumstances, to communicate, to fix what he had broken, he chose to run into another woman’s arms.  He didn’t have to work to make her happy.  She was already satisfied taking what was mine.

So, today I am angry.

Clothes and Dogs and Running Shoes

I am starting over again.  I had a life that I thought that I loved, but deep down inside I was miserable.  I was going through the motions.  Every day blurred into the next, and as each night came I died a little more. Sometimes things just have to get worse before they get better.

In my old life, I had a lover who was also my best friend.  We had a home that we built together.  We had a family that included two puppies.  And we had a future together that we both looked forward to.  But for the present time, and in the present situation, we were both miserable.  We both felt alone, overworked, stressed out.  We needed a break; a break from a life that had become too routine.

So now I'm here.  I have no furniture, no home, no lover.

I do have a huge support system of family and friends. I do have a job that I love and a life that is simplified.  I do have clothes and dogs and running shoes.  And I do have the love of the Lord.  And that's all I need for now.

The break happened six days ago.  On day one, I cried.  I cried the entire day.  I felt sadness and betrayal.  I felt alone.  On day two, I laughed.  I laughed so hard my head fell back and my mouth fell open.  I laughed for the first time in eight months.  I felt alive again for the first time in forever.  I felt hope.

On day three, I was angry.  There was hatred and hopelessness.  And day four brought back the sadness.  I was grieving; I had lost my best friend.  I did my best to put one foot in front of the other.

Day five, the hope returned, and I started to remember my dreams from a life before.  I started to see a light.  And here we are at day six.  This morning, I felt so hopeless that I couldn't get out of bed.  I felt so lost that I couldn't breathe.  The tears returned.  But just as quickly as they came, they suddenly stopped.  And I felt something that I hadn't felt in years: my sparkle.

Flash back 3.5 years ago.  I had everything I needed and everything I wanted.  I had dreams and passion and goals and a future.  I had a love for life and for the Lord.  I was beautiful and bright.  And when I smiled, I sparkled.  I sparkled so much it was contagious.  I sparkled so brightly that strangers would tell me I glowed.  I don't know how I lost my sparkle.  Perhaps from so many months of sadness and suppression.  Or perhaps from giving so much of myself to support someone, but not having anyone to support me in return.  I'm not sure when it left or where it went.  All I know is that I'm glad it's returned.

On day six, I sparkled.