Clothes and Dogs and Running Shoes

I am starting over again.  I had a life that I thought that I loved, but deep down inside I was miserable.  I was going through the motions.  Every day blurred into the next, and as each night came I died a little more. Sometimes things just have to get worse before they get better.

In my old life, I had a lover who was also my best friend.  We had a home that we built together.  We had a family that included two puppies.  And we had a future together that we both looked forward to.  But for the present time, and in the present situation, we were both miserable.  We both felt alone, overworked, stressed out.  We needed a break; a break from a life that had become too routine.

So now I'm here.  I have no furniture, no home, no lover.

I do have a huge support system of family and friends. I do have a job that I love and a life that is simplified.  I do have clothes and dogs and running shoes.  And I do have the love of the Lord.  And that's all I need for now.

The break happened six days ago.  On day one, I cried.  I cried the entire day.  I felt sadness and betrayal.  I felt alone.  On day two, I laughed.  I laughed so hard my head fell back and my mouth fell open.  I laughed for the first time in eight months.  I felt alive again for the first time in forever.  I felt hope.

On day three, I was angry.  There was hatred and hopelessness.  And day four brought back the sadness.  I was grieving; I had lost my best friend.  I did my best to put one foot in front of the other.

Day five, the hope returned, and I started to remember my dreams from a life before.  I started to see a light.  And here we are at day six.  This morning, I felt so hopeless that I couldn't get out of bed.  I felt so lost that I couldn't breathe.  The tears returned.  But just as quickly as they came, they suddenly stopped.  And I felt something that I hadn't felt in years: my sparkle.

Flash back 3.5 years ago.  I had everything I needed and everything I wanted.  I had dreams and passion and goals and a future.  I had a love for life and for the Lord.  I was beautiful and bright.  And when I smiled, I sparkled.  I sparkled so much it was contagious.  I sparkled so brightly that strangers would tell me I glowed.  I don't know how I lost my sparkle.  Perhaps from so many months of sadness and suppression.  Or perhaps from giving so much of myself to support someone, but not having anyone to support me in return.  I'm not sure when it left or where it went.  All I know is that I'm glad it's returned.

On day six, I sparkled.